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The Universe Doesn't Take From You, Without Giving You Something Better

The Meaning We Give Is Subjective

What have you lost recently that you miss from your life? Was it an intimate relationship? A career? Finances or something else? What emotions did you experience? Perhaps it was fear, anger or other negative emotions? Have you recovered from your loss or are you still coming to terms with it? I want to reassure you, what was taken from you will be replaced by something better, in due course. I don't want to give you a false hope that losing a relationship will be replaced with another person. Sometimes, people leave our life with no explanation. Regrettably, I don't have all the answers, since I am subject to the same fate.

However, there's one thing I've learned. When something is taken from my life, there is a period of grief, followed by something greater coming in to my life. For example, I lost my father to type II diabetes well before his time. His passing sent me on a quest to understand the human condition and why some people live a long life, while others succumb to illness. I wrote a book on the topic, following years of research and it became my quest to understand the connection between mind, body and spirit.

So yes, whilst my father passed away early, the universe gave me something I could not have expected, and that was the gift of: insight, compassion, humility and wisdom. Some of you may have lost your job amid the Coronavirus pandemic. It may have been a loss in your finances, perhaps the breakup of an intimate relationship. These things can affect us long after they're gone. Therefore, we ought to grieve over our loss and console ourselves before moving on. We may or may not find meaning in our circumstances. Either way, the meaning we ascribe is subjective because we don't really know the full extent to why things happen. We can only speculate to put our minds at ease.

Can you relate to this? Are you still looking for why a benevolent universe can be cruel and unjust sometimes? It is normal to entertain these thoughts, however they can take us down the rabbit hole of despair, searching for answers. It may or may not come, so I invite you to focus on the lessons gained from the experience, rather than search for their meaning. I can't explain why unfortunate events happen and it would be remiss of me to even try. What I can do is help you make sense of what happened, to move forward as best you can. It is about re-empowering ourselves with new insights, wisdom, and seeing our misfortunes through the eyes of kindness and self-compassion.

How The Universe Intends To Use Your Pain

The universe is barely predictable because life can change at the drop of a hat. People's lives are turned upside down and they're forced into hopeless situations with no prior warning. But here's one thing I know: the universe gives us more in return when it takes something from our lives. It gives us the gift of: wisdom, resiliency, humility, compassion and strength of character. We cannot buy these virtues online because they take years to develop, were it not for our heartbreak and pain. What I'm saying is: when we are forced into a situation not of our choosing, we discover the essence of who we really are.

We all experience pain and suffering, and the degree to which we suffer is based on how we view our misfortunes. Having studied the lives of centenarians over the years, many of them endured pain and suffering throughout their lives. The one common denominator to their endurance is the will to live. Viktor Frankl described this idea in his book, Man's Search for Meaning. Those who endured extreme suffering during the Holocaust in Nazi Germany, discovered the will to live and went on to share their stories with thousands of others. Hardship strengthens our resolve and helps us decide what is important in our lives. Our pain becomes the healing agent to heal other's pain and suffering.

We may use our pain to focus on areas of importance to us such as social justice, inequality, environmental issues or other issues affecting humanity. When people lose something of importance, some find a deeper meaning in their disaster. I'm reminded of those who lose family members in tragic circumstances, such as car accidents or murder and rape. Some start social causes, devoted to helping the lives of those affected by these tragic events. So, what am I saying? Trust. See if you can accept what happened, and trust the universe to use your pain for your own good or the betterment of others. Life is neither fair nor unfair. Our mind justifies these thoughts to make sense of unfortunate events. Life is doing its job, whilst supporting our personal growth. So, if the universe has taken something from your life, something better may take its place in the foreseeable future. After all, it was the Greek philosopher Aristotle who said: "Nature abhors a vacuum." Meaning: something of equal value or better will fill its place.

Do you want to lead a remarkable life? Are you committed to taking action despite your fears and doubts? If so, download your FREE copy of my eBook NAVIGATE LIFE right now, and start your amazing journey of greatness today!

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Self-Compassion - Same As Self-Love?

People fail. From time to time they mess up on the challenges of family relationships, life style, work etc. And when they blunder, they suffer adverse consequences. No wonder then that we speak of being kind and sympathetic to those who fail - who are struggling financially, emotionally, or interpersonally. But when it comes to our own problems, do we feel we ought to show the same thoughtfulness, the same gentleness, the same tolerance? Don't we need self-care as well as care for others? The mindfulness movement advocates we practice self-compassion.

"Self-compassion is a practice in which we learn to be a good friend for ourselves when we need it most - to become an inner ally rather than an inner enemy." (Kristein Neff & Christopher Germer, mindfulness teachers)

Why is self-compassion needed?

"All of us wish we'd had perfect childhoods, with a mother and father who modelled ideal parental attitudes and taught us to internalize the tenets of self-love. Many of us, however, did not." (Marianne Williamson, American author, spiritual leader, politician, and activist.)

Self-compassion and self-criticism

One can be sympathetically honest with a good friend regarding their weaknesses or mistakes.

"Sure, the job of high school teachers is not to tear down students' self-esteem. But it's certainly not to inflate students' sense of self-worth with a bunch of unearned compliments and half-truths." (L.Z. Granderson, American journalist)

Likewise having self-compassion and accepting our own faults does not mean agreeing with them. Honest self-acceptance can lead to correcting our mistakes. Self-evaluation is the vital first step towards personal change.

We can be self-critical without indulging in harsh self-criticism. Unless we honestly look at ourselves, we are in danger of self-justification, amounting to self-deception.

Self-compassion and self-pity

One can have sympathy towards one's own plight without being absorbed in oneself and wallowing in self-pity.

"Self-pity is never useful. It tends to distort like a fun-house mirror." (Anne Roiphe, American feminist and author)

"Discontent, blaming, complaining, self-pity cannot serve as a foundation for a good future, no matter how much effort you make." (Eckhart Tolle, spiritual author and teacher)

Self-indulgence

One can be kind to oneself without going on a self-indulgent binge or spending spree. Self-compassion is compatible with self-restraint.

I would suggest there has been a pressure on people to look perfect heightened by the celebrity culture. This has led to inadequate feelings particularly in many women exploited by advertising.

"L'Oreal's slogan 'because you're worth it' has come to epitomise banal narcissism of early 21st century capitalism; easy indulgence and effortless self-love all available at a flick of the credit card." (Geoff Mulgan, British social and political writer)

Self-interest

Loving oneself is good. For unless we love ourselves, how could we hope to love others? Likewise, without self-respect, how could we respect others?

There is a balance needed between love of self and love of others. A big difference lies between, on the one hand, having sufficient love and compassion for yourself and, on the other hand, narcistic self-love. The latter amounts to prioritising self-love which is never going to lead to feeling compassionate towards others in need. For when self-love rules, it results in self-serving, self-interest and selfishness.

"A modest dose of self-love is entirely healthy - who would want to live in a world where everyone hated themselves? But taken too far, it soon becomes poisonous." (Geoff Mulgan)

Lack of self-compassion blocks compassion for others.

Compassion for others may sound like a tall order. This is the case especially for those of us who lack self-compassion. But it is a higher calling.

Compassion is the key to living outside the confines of your lower self. (Debbie Ford, American self-help author and coach))

Can self-compassion as we have defined it, actually help us to find this deeper concern for others?

"Self-compassion encourages mindfulness, or noticing your feelings without judgment; self-kindness, or talking to yourself in a soothing way; and common humanity, or thinking about how others might be suffering similarly." (Rachel Simmons, American author)

How can we care for others if we cannot practice self-care? How can we be kind to others unless we are kind to ourselves? However, when we accept our own difficulty and unhappiness then we can better recognise that of others. Our pain is part of the shared human experience. Everyone makes mistakes and experiences hardships in life. As Kristein Neff & Christopher Germer point out, we are all flawed works in progress. When we see this then it helps us to feel connected with others in the same boat as ourselves. It facilitates a compassionate attitude towards our common humanity.

Self-compassion and Christian heritage

I see this growing interest in self-compassion as a healthy reaction against an unfortunate strand in our Western Christian heritage. This has been in my view a somewhat punitive notion of God. It assumes f there is a possibility the God who is love and mercy itself might not want to forgive us for any wrongdoing.

According to the analysis of spiritual philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg, this mistaken attitude stems from treating the biblical picture of multiple deity as literally true when it's meaning is metaphorical. Not three Gods but three aspects of the one God. As a result of this error a common image of God the Father has been one of wanting humankind to suffer for falling by the wayside. This anger, it is supposed, could only be appeased through the self-sacrifice of God the Son.

I would say this mistaken notion of deity has resulted in the traditional idea of 'original sin'. If true such a doctrine would mean we are all born guilty sinners deserving harsh treatment.

Such a negative view has permeated our ways of thinking. Unsurprisingly, we are quick to criticise our own shortcomings, failings and wrong-doing as warranting ill-fortune, punishment or rejection. And some of us actually condemn ourselves as unworthy of self-respect and care of others. The Gospel, however, is clear about our proper attitude to ourselves.

"Love your neighbour as yourself" (Jesus Christ)

As a clinical psychologist, Stephen Russell-Lacy has specialised in cognitive-behavioural psychotherapy, working for many years with adults suffering distress and disturbance.

He edits Spiritual Questions a free eZine that explores links between spiritual philosophy and the comments and questions of spiritual seekers. You can share your views and find out more about making sense of life.

His eBook Heart, Head and Hands draws links between the psycho-spiritual teachings of the eighteenth century spiritual philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg and current ideas in therapy and psychology.

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Wise Words ....

Be Happier: FIVE Things to Stop Doing Right Now

Sometimes the route to happiness depends upon what you don't do.

STOP:

1. Over-talking: The word SILENT has the same letters as the word LISTEN. When you become silent by speaking less, you will be present with others and learn more.

2. Rushing: Take time and show people what you mean, rather than raise your voice and yell or over-explain. One on one, shoulder to shoulder, be with the person who you need, and who needs you.

3. Eye rolling: Eye rolling is a silent punch to the gut. You know how it feels when it happens to you. And yet, you have done it as well. Maybe even to your child! Let go of the eye roll and put compassion and love in your eyes. You will receive a much better response, and your understanding will make the recipient of your glance feel at ease.

4. Sighing: Conscious breathing is a great way to regain your sense of presence and restore calm. An expressive sigh, however, has the opposite effect. Sighing reinforces your level of discontent, and lets others know how upset you are. Let sighing go, and calmly breathe.

5. Seeking what's wrong: When you walk in to a room, restaurant, or theater, you can notice the seating is wrong, the lighting is wrong, people's attire is wrong. Or, you can shift your awareness and notice what is right! There is so much going on that's right - right here, right now! Notice it and allow the goodness to fill you up!

Adopt one of these "stops" each day for the next five days. Schedule a reminder on your phone, or write sticky notes and remind yourself what to stop each day. You will see the best of yourself emerge, as you let go of these traits. Taking action is the greatest gift you can give yourself and those around you! Be happy!

You know the outcome you want. Obstacles are in the way. Namely, fear. Ready for the work you love, peaceful parenting, vibrant health, happy relationships? Contact Carla for your Breakthrough Session: carla@getcoached.com

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